Dilemma

Yeah, I more or less got the job I wanted, and I’m happy that it is really as my expectations. I get it real tough, I have little sleep, my working hours are relatively irregular.

But really, being in this job also forces me to adopt one behaviour: to be a real asshole amongst my peers. So far I’ve been scolding them, nagging them, and so on. In a way, I’ve really gone overboard, but it seems my job requires me to be like this in order to make life less tough for my guys, and for my peers to learn.

I really don’t know if what I’m doing is right. And somehow I have this feeling that eventually, my friends will come to hate me for being this way.

The Nekesus One

Maybe this is why you should never show off your phone…

Where’s My Money?!

I checked my bank account yesterday, and guess what? I’m still getting cadet’s pay!!! WTH!!! On another note, does it mean I’ll be getting some kinda backpay for the next two months?

The Past One Year

Ok, enough with all the “They say”s and “For the first time”s…I realised one thing which I didn’t do this new year is to reflect back on how the past year has been.

2009, the start of my life as a soldier, and as OCS SSM always say, “SOLDIER do SOLDIER things!” Yes, it has been really tough, whether physically, mentally, or psychologically. But I learnt a lot about this country, and I learnt a lot about myself. On one part, I learnt how “garang” I can be when my spirits are high, and on the other hand, I learnt how “chaokeng” I can be when my spirits are not high. Whether soldier or not, a person’s mindset, spirit and morale really affects his/her performance dramatically. Ultimately, that’s what helps one to go the extra mile.

Throughout this army year, I’ve gotten lots of stupid kind of injuries (in case you don’t know, my accident rate is at about 60%). It ranges from toenail detachment to getting whacked on the hand by a hoe (changkol) to cutting my own thumb with a knife. In addition, I’ve added two more scars+stitches to my “collection” after the one I had in J1.

Another thing I’ve learnt a lot about myself this year is how I tend to get very me-centric, and whiny at times. I realise I’ve been bugging a lot of my good friends about my own problems, and yeah. But it is really through all these that I learn that these are the friends who can really listen to my woes, or at least try to understand how I feel. So really, through all these, I learn that there are people who I can always fall back on. Special mention to my a few of my classmates, James, Edmoon, Yapheng (for your much constant probing), and Margaret for always being there folks.

And not to mention, through it all, I really made one really good friend in an old friend. If you’re reading this Gillie Sng, it is you! The most unexpected things have turned out from us, because from a sour treatment we had with each other due to some past happenings, we manage to revive our friendship due to a common hobby! Thanks buddy for being able to constantly tahan my whining.

Perhaps the one thing I’ve learnt is really the lack of confidence in myself to do things. I always told others that the reason why I wanted a staff appointment is to train myself for my desired job. Well, that is but just one reason. My other reason is because I’m really unsure that if I were to lead men, would I lead them to their death? I really don’t want to be the sucky PC I had in mind which would lead his men to their doom. But how am I to rebuild this confidence? By believing that I have the ability to influence the whole battalion as a DyS3?

Last but definitely not the least, I’ve learnt through the hard way not to give false impression upon others, and also, to not judge people based on how they treat you. I’m a little too straightforward in this aspect in that if I really hate someone, he will at least get some impression that I don’t like him. But the truth is not everybody behaves like that. There are people out there, whether in the army or elsewhere, who just PRETEND to be nice, so that maybe they get better peer appraisals or something.

And well, I’ve definitely lost a friend towards the end of 2009. When reality hits you, it hits you hard. And that is why I should stop behaving in a certain manner to prevent people from misinterpreting my intentions. To be very honest, I’m still upset and affected about what happened, but it can never be reversed anymore, at most salvaged.

So 2009 has been a year where I learn much about being a person rather than acquiring knowledge. Indeed, this is the year I witness one of the greatest change in my personality. As 2010 starts, I will have to behave differently again, one because of the appointment I’m holding, and two because of the different status I’m in now. No more a trainee.

———

To you if you’re reading this, it shows that you still care. I’ve never blamed you for what happened, because it wasn’t either of our fault to start with. All along, I’ve only treated you as my best friend, but apparently, you don’t even think of me as a good friend to start off. So it’s a miscommunication somewhere. Whatever has happened, has already happened, and I’ll definitely move on from here.

For The First Time

For the first time, I drank freaking 3 cans of beer in less than 5 minutes time

For the first time, I had so much mud on my body, the I was absolutely brown from head to ankle (unless you consider my boots as my feet)

For the first time, I leopard crawled more than I ever did before

For the first time, I jumped into really gross water without giving a damn about the splash or how my clothes will get get, and my boots getting soaked

For the first time, I felt so high even while getting tekan-ed

For the first time, I actually dumped by whole body into water dirtier than Kallang River, less the oil that is

For the first time, working as a team felt so gratifying than ever

For the first time, I had really filthy water in my mouth for more than 5 minutes at a time

For the first time, i got to spit water at someone of a higher rank than me (sorry CPT Alex about that =p)

For the first time, i attempted climbing something higher than a low wall without any safety harness or straps

For the first time, i actually jumped a height I thought wasn’t safe to jump Nopes, already did that in OCS

For the first time, beer tasted tasteless because I got numb to the taste

For the first time, I felt so drunk that I couldn’t think properly and started sms-ing/calling people randomly

For the first time, I experienced how it feels like for a drunk guy to help an even more drunk guy back to bed

For the first time, army actually felt so fun =)

Field initiation was really the bomb. Yes, it was tekan alright, but it was the fun kind of tekan, and you do it with your pals (except maybe some motherson who has always been so selfish and tried to push the blame to others, but nevermind about such imbeciles). The wet gap part was definitely the funniest and most enjoyable, especially when all the CPT start making fun of their fellow CPT.

Mess initiation, well…it was more for our superiors to have fun/poke fun at us. I admit I really wasn’t the least bit sober after my turn was over. But well, as long as someone has fun eh?

And this marks the start of my life as an officer in 30SCE. Being initiated into the unit, the number of times I really felt that throwing that bloody bell away because of the noise it made (“GUYS, this is not Long John Silver, don’t be distracted by the sound of the bell!”). Imagine the consequences if I really smashed the bell or threw it into the wet gap.

I started feeling the challenges I am going to face when Xin Zhan introduced me to our dept on Thursday and I saw how he was flooded with stuffs. There goes my sleep, really…

———

And so, as I had the time to actually sit/lie down in bunk and think over things, here are my New Year Resolutions for the year of 2010 (who says you have to do it on New Year Day itself?)

1) ORD without sustaining any fatal injuries detrimental to my future
2) Sign not more than 28 extras throughout my life in 30 SCE (I’m going to keep a book of extras record for that)
3) Provide some tangible contribution to 30 SCE
4) Learn a new useful skill (Ok…really tough for a DyS3)
5) Get the following licenses: Driving License, PPCDL, Openwater divers
6) Have at leat $5000/6000 in my bank account on 31/12/2010 (The challenge: you usually spend the most amount of money at the END and BEGINNING of the year)
7) Bring the dog down for walks at least once a month (not too difficult to keep with eh?)
NEVER forget the dog’s medical appointments
9) Keep in CONSTANT contact with the following group of people: 07S35, OG20, my VS Bros, Foxtrot Sect 3, my photog buddy Gillie Sng
10) Be very careful of who to trust

———

So folks, I’m probably gonna sign 7 extras by next Tuesday, so cheers to all!